


Wild Horses

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Drama, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-07-23
Updated: 2007-07-23
Packaged: 2019-01-19 02:58:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12401688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: It's all about how much farther can you push this, before it pushes back? It's all about how much longer can you last? [Surviving depends on endurance, not power. Neville.]





	Wild Horses

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

  
**wild horses**

(couldn't drag me away)

It's all about how much you're willing to believe, how far you're willing to suspend your own survival instinct, how long you're willing to fight the inevitable, isn't it? It's all about _how much farther can you push this, before it pushes back?_ It's all about _how much longer can you last?_ But he can survive minute-by-minute, second-by-second, step-by-step, if he keeps his eyes on the goal, the end result, whether he really believes it can come or not, because in the end it's less about what you believe than it is about what you pretend. If he looks like he can take it, if he looks like it isn't lonely in the dorm with only him and Seamus, then - then - Then he can, right? If it looks like he doesn't hate himself for being the only one whose parents aren't in any danger, for being the only one who's got nothing else to lose, nothing else to gain but his own beating heart - The he doesn't really blame himself at all. He can survive minute-by-minute, and never mind the hours. The moment is all that counts; he learned that in the Department of Mysteries. It doesn't really matter what you do with your life - it matters what you do with each second of it. Can you keep breathing long enough to act, or do you freeze? Can your mind race to the next option, or does it crawl to nowhere? The hours don't matter, the days, the weeks, the years - they're nothing. It's the seconds that count. It's the separate beats of your heart, not the muscles or the blood or the oxygen - it's the action itself. He's figured all this out so quickly that it startles him - is this the boy who cowered in Potions while Hermione Granger told him how to save his toad? Is this the boy who forgot his Remembrall? He's grown up so much so fast that his own past feels like a phantom limb, like it isn't really part of him at all. He's survived so much that he can hardly remember what it was like to shake on his way to the Sorting Hat. And now, he stands before the others just like him, the ones whose pasts have been ripped away ( _because all that matters is right now, not tomorrow, not yesterday, not next month, but now_ ), the ones who believe in him the same way they believed in Harry, and for the same reasons - because if they didn't, they'd die, or become numb, or worse. Because if they can't trust him, they can't trust anybody. And he tells them all the things he thinks Harry would tell them, all the same drivel about fighting and split-second decisions and what to do when you realize that you could die _right this very instant_ and the only thing standing between you and the "other side" is a Death Eater's whimsy. And it's just as empty as Harry always seemed to think it was. It's pointless to talk, to teach, to throw the information in their faces, because it's all completely meaningless. They've never fought for their lives. They've never seriously, honestly _known_ that they were going to die. They don't understand this the way he does, they can't know what he does, and it's wrong to ask this of them - he gets it now, really understands it, why Harry tried to make him and Ginny and Luna stay behind at the end of Fifth Year. It's because it's too much to ask. It's too difficult a burden to bear, too painful. And he can't really teach them anything, because it's just like Harry said - being attacked isn't risk-free. Being murdered by Death Eaters isn't stunning your best friend. It's absolutely terrifying, and no amount of bravery or spell knowledge or cunning or well-laid plans will ever be able to change that. And he can't - he can't get that through to them. He should be teaching them how to handle the pressure, how to react when you know that you can be killed at any moment, how to keep breathing and moving and acting when every base instinct is screeching at you to hide - but he can't. He can't ask that of them. Because it isn't about what you can do, what pretty new spells you've learned. It's about how far you can go, how long you can hold on, how tight your grip is. It isn't about surviving to tomorrow, it's about surviving this instant. It isn't about coming up with a good plan, it's about coming up with any plan and going through it. But they can't know this, can't understand it, can't - And he can't - he won't - make them. 


End file.
